The Limerent Therapist: Untangling Limerence, Desire and Love (Part Two)

Just to recap

Limerence is an intense, involuntary emotional state of infatuation, desire, and obsession with another person. It’s not simply a passing crush or harmless daydream: it’s a powerful emotional experience marked by longing, fantasy, and an overwhelming need for reciprocation. A limerent is the individual caught in this emotional whirlwind, often struggling with the tug-of-war between desire and rational thought. The person at the centre of this experience is known as the limerent object: the focus of longing and the imagined source of emotional fulfilment.

Tennov described limerence as similar to love but with a key difference: its unintentional and uncontrollable nature. While love involves mutual growth and conscious choice, limerence arrives uninvited, lingering in thoughts and dreams despite efforts to resist. In my postgraduate research, I defined it as “unintentional desire.” Limerence often brings guilt and shame, especially in committed relationships, leaving many to navigate its emotional turmoil in isolation. Its hidden nature, coupled with limited awareness among some therapists, can deepen feelings of confusion and self-judgment.

Yet, limerence isn’t random. It reveals deeper emotional patterns, attachment wounds (discussed in Part 1), and unmet needs. In my practice, I view it as a pathway to healing, self-understanding, and growth.

Temptations:

While limerence can sometimes evolve into a physical relationship, an affectionate bond, or even an affair, it often exists purely in the mind. Although the idea of an affair or emotional entanglement with a limerent object may seem enticing, these situations often lead to destructive or explosive outcomes that fail to address the underlying issues driving the limerent experience. The core emotional wounds remain unhealed, leaving the same patterns to resurface in future relationships.

So what can we do?

Rather than rushing into or avoiding a potential relationship with a limerent object, I begin an exploration and contemplation process with you, helping to uncover the deeper emotional patterns, needs, and attachments driving the experience.  What deeper emotional needs are being activated in the limerent episode? What does this intense desire reveal about your attachment patterns, unmet needs, or past experiences? Limerence offers an opportunity to turn inward, to explore not just the longing for another, but the longing for something within yourself. This is where therapeutic work becomes transformative, helping to untangle complex emotions and redirect them toward self-understanding and growth.

The Role of the Limerent Object

When therapy focuses on the inner experience, the limerent object becomes more than just the source of desire. They act as a doorway into our complex inner world, offering insight into the deeper layers of our emotional lives. In therapy, and eventually in real life, the limerent object then serves as a mirror, reflecting our projections: those qualities we deeply admire in others but often struggle to see in ourselves.

For example, a client once experienced a limerent episode with a colleague she was strongly drawn to because of his kindness. She would often speak about how caring and gentle he was, clearly seeing these qualities in him but overlooking them within herself. Through our work together, it became evident that she possessed the same compassion and kindness. She was someone who supported family, friends, and even strangers with patience and care. The limerent object, in this case, was not simply a source of desire but a reflection of her own kindness and capacity for connection that she did not identify with.

This is where therapy can become truly transformative. Rather than focusing solely on the pull towards the limerent object, we turn the attention inward and ask, What is this person revealing about me? Often, the intensity of limerence is not just about the other person but about unclaimed and marginalised aspects of ourselves. Recognising this and engaging those qualities consciously, can shift limerence from a source of confusion or distress into a pathway to self-discovery and growth. By integrating these neglected aspects, we lessen limerence’s hold, finding fulfillment within rather than through the limerent object.

The Altered State of Limerence

One of the most enchanting aspects of limerence is how it alters perception, or has the capacity to put us into an altered state of mind than our usual everyday. During a limerent episode, the world can appear more vibrant. Colours seem richer, time slows down, and the daily grind fades into the background. Everyday responsibilities, swimming lessons, grocery shopping, endless to-do lists, lose their urgency, making space for a heightened awareness of life’s simple beauty.

In these moments, the shimmer of sunlight on leaves, the scent of flowers on a shaded street, or the warmth of a stranger’s smile can feel deeply profound. Limerence, in this light, becomes more than desire. It becomes a portal into the present moment. It anchors us in the sensory world, offering a sense of aliveness and connection often missing in our day-to-day routines. For me, limerence has the power to bring me fully into the present, into the beauty of the phenomenological world and all it offers to my senses and my body. When approached mindfully, limerence can be a powerful gift, an invitation to reconnect with the richness of life itself.

The Universality of Limerence

Limerence can strike anyone, regardless of age, relationship status, or life circumstances. Dorothy Tennov observed that limerence is binary. People are either susceptible to it or untouched by its effects. For those who experience limerence, it can emerge unexpectedly and in surprising ways. A client once shared how they developed limerent feelings for a colleague during a shared project, imagining an entire life together, even though the attraction was entirely one-sided. Others have experienced limerence for a friend, a neighbour, or even a distant stranger. In the novel Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine, Eleanor’s limerent episode for a musician she has never met highlights how limerence can intertwine with deeper emotional wounds, particularly those rooted in trauma.

For those who do not experience limerence, these intense emotions can seem irrational or incomprehensible, making it difficult to empathise with those deeply affected. This lack of understanding can leave limerents feeling isolated or misunderstood, further amplifying the complexity of their experience.

Exploring Limerence in Therapy

In therapy, we explore the terrain surrounding your limerent object, connecting the experience to your past, present, and future. Together, we examine the qualities you admire in your limerent object, uncover how past wounds may have shaped your attraction, and leave shame and embarrassment at the door. Limerence is not something to be judged or dismissed. It is a meaningful emotional experience that holds valuable insights into your emotional inner life, desires, and relational patterns. Through this process, we shift the focus from the external pull of the limerent object to your inner world, creating space for reflection, healing, and self-understanding. Rather than seeing limerence as a source of shame or confusion, we work to transform it into a doorway for growth and personal insight.

As I have discovered through my own journey, exploring limerence can be a powerful pathway to self-awareness, healing, and a more fulfilling life, even within a committed relationship. Therapy can help transform the emotional turbulence of limerence into a meaningful exploration of self, allowing for deeper connections, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of personal clarity.

If limerence is impacting your life and you feel ready to explore its deeper meaning, reach out via text, email, or phone. Together, we can begin to untangle its complexities and discover the insights it has to offer. You do not have to navigate this alone. There is a way through, and it starts with understanding.

Warmly,

KJ XO