The Limerent Therapist: Untangling Limerence, Desire and Love (Part One)

What is Limerence?

Limerence, a term introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, describes a profound and often involuntary state of romantic attraction or desire. Those who experience limerence are called limerents, inspiring the title of this piece. More specifically, when someone is in an active state of limerence for another person, they are said to be in a limerent episode. The one for whom they have unintentional desire is the limerent object.

Tennov initially described limerence as an experience akin to being in love. However, it differs from the typical falling-in-love narrative due to its unintentional and involuntary nature. Love often involves mutual growth, emotional reciprocity, and conscious choice.  Whereas limerence arrives without warning, is often uncontrollable and carries with it a sense of deep inappropriateness, lingering persistently in our daydreams, night dreams and mind stream despite conscious efforts to resist or suppress it. During my postgraduate studies, I explored limerence deeply for my final research project, ultimately defining the phenomenon as  “unintentional desire.” In this sense, the band Counting Crows captured the limerence experience brilliantly when they sing:

“Accidentally in love… How much longer will it take to cure this?”

These lyrics underscore the core tension in limerence: how it happens to you, as if by accident you find yourself desirous for another. And once caught in its grip, we often find ourselves yearning for a remedy to ease the intensity of this unexpected and all-consuming experience.

Limerence Hiding in the Shadows…

Limerence remains a little-known experience, even among many therapists, and is rarely spoken about openly by those who go through it. This lack of awareness often leaves individuals navigating its emotional intensity in silence and isolation. Many limerents carry their experience as a deeply private inner world or fantasy, hesitant to share their feelings, even with close friends or partners. In therapy, clients might cautiously reveal small glimpses of these hidden desires, the lingering look, a fleeting smile, or a simple comment from the limerent object that feels heavy with meaning. Any of these moments can spark the emotional charge that fuels a limerent episode.

Often, an entire imagined relationship with the limerent object can develop in the mind, the first kiss, passionate nights, deep conversations, weekend getaways, and even the future dreams of marriage or family. All of this unfolds internally, often without intention or control, leaving the limerent feeling swept along by the fantasy.

To make it more complex, limerence is frequently accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt or confusion. “Why am I thinking about this person so much?” or “Why can’t I stop?” are common thoughts. These feelings can intensify if the limerent is already in a committed relationship or marriage, creating inner conflict and self-judgment. The result is often a lonely and confusing emotional space, where longing is mixed with guilt, and the desire for connection clashes with the fear of being misunderstood.

For many limerents, this emotional tug-of-war is deeply isolating. They may feel trapped between the intensity of their inner world and the silence they feel they must maintain. Understanding that limerence is a recognised and shared human experience can be the first step towards finding clarity and compassion in the midst of this emotional storm.

A Personal Connection: Limerence and Attachment

Limerence is not just an academic concept for me, it has been a defining force in my personal life. Both of my parents were closet limerents, initially for each other and later for their respective lovers. I’ve also navigated my own share of limerent episodes, studied the phenomenon deeply during my Master’s research, and now help clients explore and transform their limerent experiences.

Through research, lived experience and client work, I’ve noticed that limerence often overlaps with childhood trauma and insecure attachment styles. As illuded to in my personal experiences, early bonds with caregivers shape how we form connections later in life. Whether secure, avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganised, these attachment patterns follow us like shadows, subtly influencing our adult relationships. For those with insecure attachment patterns, limerence can act as a subconscious attempt to resolve deep-seated emotional needs. Limerence then is not simply about unintentional desire: it’s about bringing conscious awareness to the parenting gap missing in childhood, validating our inner experiences and  healing associated wounds.

This isn’t to say insecure attachment is inherently “bad.” In my case, my parents' complex attachment dynamics unknowingly fuelled my drive for independence and achievement as I sought validation in a world that felt emotionally unstable. But when these attachment patterns remain hidden beneath the surface, limerence can become a recurring, and sometimes disruptive, force. It has a way of showing up in different relationships and scenarios until we are ready to face it, understand it, and ultimately transform it.

So, working through and bringing attachment patterns into conscious awareness can be a powerful tool for understanding and transforming the suffering that often accompanies limerence. However, this isn’t the only approach available in my therapy practice. Tune in to Part 2, where we’ll explore other therapeutic methods for working with and transmuting limerence.  Otherwise, if limerence is impacting your life please be in touch.

Warmly, KJ XO